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Jokes

edited November 2017 in The Lounge
My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. I
said, “What’s the good news?” She said, “The airbag works.”
enaitch

Comments

  • In the great days of the British Empire,a new commanding officer was sent to a South Africa bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
    After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic,cucumber sandwiches etc),which protocol decrees,the retiring colonel said,"You must meet my Adjutant,Captain Smithers".
    He's my right hand  man and is really the strength of this office,his talent is boundless.
    Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new C.O.,who was surprised to meet a hunchback,one eyed,toothless,hairless,scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity,a particularly unattractive man,less than 3 feet tall.
    "Smithers old man,tell your new C.O.about yourself".
    Well,sir, i graduated with honours from Sandhurst,joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines.
    I' ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events,and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
    I have researched the history of......At that point,the colonel interrupted, "Yes,yes,never mind that Smithers,he can find all that in your file,tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off"
    Natterjack
  • Jack Lass that’s not a joke m8, it’s true. 
  • A visitor attending the Olympic games sees an athlete in full kit carrying a long pole. The visitor stops him and asks:
    "Are you a pole vaulter?"
    The athlete replies:
    "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

    I'll fetch my coat! B)

    Natterjack
  • At one American university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the diligent student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

    The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"

  • Craig David has agreed to go to the next Olympics as a member of the support staff for the GB archery team.

    He’s the bow selector.
    Malaga
  •  A plateau is the highest form of flattery.Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

    Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

     A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes. 

     I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me.

     I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.


  • Hats off to Natterjack! :D seasoned veteran got me ha ha ho :D
    Natterjack
  • There were 3 men.

    A roofer, a travel agent and a food taster

    They all said they would never do anything to put our club at risk..

    what a joke that turned out to be
    enaitchNatterjackTrimsaran_swan
  • Someone farted in the lift today,
    it was wrong on so many levels
  • My father died through drink . He was crossing the road and got hit by the Guinness truck...
  • Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to,unless you're in prison  :)
  • WOMAN'S POEM.
    Before i lay down to sleep
    I pray for a man that's not a creep
    One whose handsome,smart and strong
    One who loves to listen long
    One who thinks before he speaks
    I pray he's rich and self-employed
    And when i spend,he won't be annoyed
    Pull out my chair and hold my hand
    Massage my feet and help me stand
    Oh send me a king to make me queen
    A man that likes to cook and clean
    I pray this man will love no other
    And relish visits from my mother.

    A MAN'S POEM.

    I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and i don't give a shit



  • Paul Clement - Premier league manager.
    garythenotrashcougarbigoakenaitch
  • edited November 2017
    Bob said:
    Paul Clement - Premier league manager.

    Did you know his middle names are  " Robert , Bradley "
  • A warning to all you drivers.
    Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there checking on people.
    Last night i was out for a few drinks,one thing led to another and i had a few too many cocktails,and then went on to the wine,not a good idea.
    Knowing i was over the limit,i decided to leave my work van at the pub and took a bus home.
    Sure enough,i passed a police checkpoint,where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
    Because i was in a bus they waved it past.
    I arrived home safely,which was a real surprise as i've never driven a bus before and i'm not even sure where i got it from...
    Bif
  • I’ve pinched this one from planet Swans..

    My 19 yr old blond next door neighbour knocked on my door this morning asking if I knew anything about her washing that disappeared off her line...

    I nearly shit her knickers
    PaulT
  • Huw Jenkins is doing the job of two people.... Laurel and Hardy.....
    Bifcimlajack
  • Wife txts Husband -" Windows Frozen."
    Husband ."Just pour some slightly warm water over it "
    Wife ." Computer's totally knackered now !"
  • Man at a job interview

    interviewer: so what do you regard to be your biggest weakness?

    man: honesty

    interviewer: I'm not sure I think honesty is a weakness

    man: I couldn't give a f**k what you think
    cimlajackNatterjack
  • Snowing like hell here this morning my wife in her nightie face up against the window her rosy cheeks staring through fuk it ill leave her out there for another ten minutes ....
    Bif
  • George texts his next door neighbour,  Harry I am so wracked with guilt it has gotten to me, we have been mates since our schooldays, I hope you can find it to forgive me, I have been stealing your wife from you while you have been out watching the Swans  for about 4 years, I feel so guilty now I have to confess and hope this does not ruing our long standing friendship,  On receiving this text Harry goes upstairs and with no second thoughts shoots his wife in the head, while he is clearing the body and blood off the carpets his phone bleeps again, the text says, Harry this is George again I am really sorry I hate this bloody predictive text thing, I meant to say Wi-Fi earlier.
    NatterjackenaitchTrimsaran_swan
  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

    “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

    The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”



     A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”

    The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

    “Where’s my change?” the monk asks.

    The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”



    There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.



  • I got one...


    knock knock:

    ”Who’s there?”...


    ”it’s Huw”


    enaitch
  • I'm so skint at the moment that everytime I open a door on my advent calendar there's a bailiff behind it ...
    Bif
  • Just bought a new house with old period features....she hates it when i call her that
  • See Clement is giving all the players lighters for Xmas, because they all lose their matches
  • Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
    The judge asks" why do you keep beating her ?"
    Paddy replies" I think it's my weight advantage,longer reach and superior footwork"
    Jackareme
  • It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’


    "Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner."


    "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any."


    "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."


    cimlajackenaitch
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